Trollout 1: The End and Beginning

Trolling, trolling never changes. Since the dawn of humankind, when our ancestors discovered the trolling power of spam and bait, people have been banned in the name of everything, from spam, to bait, to simple psychotic butthurt. In the year 2077, after a millennia of flamewars, the destructive nature of humanity could sustain itself no longer, and the earth was plunged into an abyss of nuclear spam and radiation. But it was not as some had predicted: the end of the world. Instead the apocalypse was simply the prologue to another trolling chapter of human history, for man had succeeded in spamming the earth, but trolling, trolling never changes.

In the early years, thousands were spared the horrors of the trollocaust in massive underground shelters known as Vaults. When they emerged from the Vaults, they spread out across the Wasteland, establishing new villages and tribes. Eventually most of the American southwest united under the flag of the Trollpasta Enclave, the remnants of the Trollpasta staff. They later spread east in search of new territory in the Mojave desert and returned with tales of a city untouched by the spam that had flooded the earth 200 years before. They secured the Hoover Dam against the forces of Animefan's Legion, an anarchist society forged from the degeneration of 86 tribes, but the Enclave didn't finish the job, and the Legion stayed in the east, gathering strength. Through all of this the New Vegas strip has remained open for business.

Sometime after the Great Troll, all of what was left of post-troll Louisiana was overrun by mutated swampfolk, who enslaved the laughing skeletons of the state and forced them to work at Popeye's. A Rather Hilarious Bone Structure was among these skeletons. When he was enslaved, the swampfolk confiscated his kamui, Suitketsu, and shredded it, giving its shreds to the swampfolk to enhance their abilities. The chicken remains crispy and the shrimp remains spicy, but the skeletons are carefully planning to overthrow the swampfolk and escape from captivity.

It's a normal Saturday afternoon on October 23, 2077.

The intro of Cooking with Celtic plays.

Celtic: YOU WANNA COOK WITH THATCELTICFURRY, ALL YOU NEED IS A DEEP FRYER AND A SACK OF POTATOES! HAHAHA!

Ryuko: What the hell are we even cooking?

Celtic: Meth.

Ryuko: What?

Celtic: I mean muffins.

Ryuko: Alright ...

Celtic: So what if I'm addicted to cocaine and muffins ...

Ryuko: Celtic, did you put cocaine in the muffins again?

Celtic: LEMME TELL YOU THIS, RYUKO: YOU'RE NOT FUCKIN THIS PUPPY! I'M FUCKIN THIS PUPPY!

A knock at the door.

Celtic: I hope it's the milk guy.

Ryuko: This isn't the 50s, Celtic.

Celtic: WE'RE IN A UNIVERSE BASED ON THE FALLOUT UNIVERSE. IT'S STILL THE 50S HERE.

Celtic opens the door.

Vault-Tec guy: Hey, how would you like to sign up for a place in one of our state of the art Vaults?

Celtic: Will there be room for me and my waifus?

Vault-Tec guy: Of course! Minus your waifu's kamui, naturally. In fact, you're already set up. It's just a matter of verifying some information ...

Name: ThatCelticFurry

Strength: 6 Perception: 5 Endurance: 5 Charisma: 5 Intelligence: 10 Agility: 6 Luck: 3

Vault-Tec guy: That'll be all, and thank you for being prepared for the futu-

Celtic slams the door in his face.

Ryuko: Hey, it's peace of mind. It's worth a little paperwork.

Celtic: Meh.

Celtic goes back to making his drug muffins.

Ryuko: Celtic, you might want to come see this!

SOMEGUY123 (on the TPN News): We do have coming in: confirmed reports of nuclear detonation ...

Celtic: We need to get to the Vault, now.

Ryuko: I got the cocaine muffins! Let's go!

Celtic and Ryuko run with a bunch of other panicked families to the Vault 420 entrance.

Celtic: Let us in, dammit!

Celtic starts banging on the Vault door.

Vault-Tec personnel: Please, just be patient.

Celtic: (unintelligible screaming)

The Vault door finally opens and everyone walks in as there's a nuclear explosion in the distance.

Random guy: WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GONNA DO NOW?!

Random guy's wife: YEAH, WHAT THE FU-

Vault-Tec personnel: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN!

Sudden silence.

Vault-Tec personnel: Now you're all going to line up, single file, and follow me to the cryogenics lab, because we're all going to take a nap for 200 years and pray to EVIL PATRIXXX that when we wake up, the world will be habitable again. Now do I make myself clear?

Celtic: Seems legit.

Random guy: BUT WHAT THE FU-

Random guy is shot by Vault-Tec personnel.

Random guy's wife: So follow you?

Vault-Tec personnel: Now that's the spirit!

Everyone follows the guy to the cryo lab where they're preserved for 200 years. 200 years later, Celtic and Ryuko were somehow the only survivors, and the Vault was overrun by deathclaws who like to eat people because they like people in their stomachs because they're vore fanatics. To avoid them Celtic and Ryuko hid in the Overseer's office.

Celtic: Alright, how the fuck are we going to get rid of these assholes?

Ryuko: I have no idea.

Celtic: Fuck, now I have to come up with a plan.

Celtic looks at the layout of the Vault.

Celtic: Well there's a hidden exit in this office. I should've remembered that from when I played Fallout 3.

Ryuko: Then let's go.

Celtic: But wait, there's an armory on this level.

Ryuko: So you're saying you want to get raped by giant lizards for some weapons?

Celtic: We won't get raped if we have the weapons, and it'd be pointless to go out into the Wasteland without protection.

Ryuko: You have a point ...

Celtic: I know.

Celtic opens the nearby locker and gets two 10mm pistols.

Celtic: Alright, take this and if a rape lizard sees you, just back up and shoot until it's dead.

Ryuko: Why do you know so much about this?

Celtic: Because this world goes off of Fallout logic and Fallout logic is something I'm an expert in.

Ryuko: Because you have no life?

Celtic: I took 10 hours out of my life to watch you get naked and beat the fuck out of your sister, did I?

Ryuko: Well played.

Celtic: Now let's go.

Celtic and Ryuko stepped out of the Overseer's office and because he didn't have a PipTroll with VATS to help him kill the deathclaws, he just decided to sneak past them, so as to not get raped by vore-obsessed rape lizards. Eventually they got into the Vault 420 armory.

Celtic: Hey, I wonder what's in this box.

Celtic opens the box and finds 50 stimpaks.

Celtic: Oh, thank PATRIXXX.

Ryuko: Aren't you going to share those?

Celtic: Bitch, you're half alien. You can automatically regenerate.

Ryuko: Oh ...

Celtic puts on an armored Vault 420 jumpsuit.

Ryuko: Hey, what's this?

Ryuko walks up to the normal-looking Vault 420 jumpsuit, hung up obviously sometime before the Great Troll. She puts it on because, for some reason, they wouldn't let her bring any clothes into the cryo lab.

Celtic: Why the fuck are you getting dressed?

Ryuko: I don't know. Maybe because I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT INTO THE POST-APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND FLAUNTING MY ASS!

Celtic: I just don't see why, considering you're pretty much living clothes by yourself.

Ryuko: IT'S THE PRINCIPLE OF THE THING, CELTIC! WOULD YOU WANT OTHER PEOPLE TO LOOK AT WAIFU?!

Celtic: You wouldn't have to worry about that because I'd cut out the eyes of anyone who even glances at you.

Ryuko: *sigh* Whatever ...

Celtic opens a metal box and finds two PipTroll 3000s.

Celtic: Hell yeah! Now we're getting into the good shit!

Ryuko: What's that?

Celtic: The PipTroll 3000, a personal information processor that you can just wear on your wrist. It was developed by TrollCo before the Great Troll, and we just found two of the very best of them.

Ryuko: How do you it's the very best?

Celtic: You have to think, Ryuko: there were 2999 other PipTrolls that were worse than this. Just put it on.

The two put on their PipTrolls because it was literally the only way they were going to survive a fight with the vore-obsessed rape lizards.

Celtic: I know there's another part of this armory, but I need to hack this fucking terminal to get to it.

Celtic approached the terminal and tried hacking it, but raged and shouted at it, causing it to get scared and unlock. Inside the other half of the armory they found plenty of ammunition, assault rifles in perfect condition and T-45 power armor that they could fit into their pockets because of Fallout logic. Celtic put on the power armor and stood in front of the closed door to the armory, where five deathclaws were waiting just outside.

Celtic: YOU WANNA PLAY ROUGH?! OKAY, SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!

Celtic throws a frag grenade at the door, blowing it open and killing the deathclaws outside, making an almost perfect reference to the movie Scarface. They walked out and started killing off the rape lizards. They finally made it to the main entrance of Vault 420 and opened the door.

Celtic: *shouting over the noise of the Vault door opening* THIS, RYUKO, IS THE MOST UNNECESSARILY LOUD NOISE YOU WILL EVER HEAR!

Ryuko: I THINK MY EARS ARE BLEEDING!

Celtic: DON'T WORRY, YOU'LL GET USED TO IT!

Celtic and Ryuko walk out of Vault 420 and once their eyes adjusted to the sunlight, they saw their entire home city in ruins. They decided to travel back to their old neighborhood to see if anyone else survived. Upon approaching the ruins of their house, Ryuko found an old friend.

Senketsu: MY PATRIXXX! RYUKO, IS THAT REALLY YOU?!

The initial nuclear blast tore most of Ryuko's kamui to shreds. All that remains of him is his creepy ass eye that stares into your soul.

Ryuko: Holy shit, Senketsu. Since you're still here, that must mean some of the others survived also ...

Senketsu: It's worse than I thought. You seem to be suffering from hunger-induced paranoia. How about I make you a snack?

Ryuko: Food? I ... I don't think you're in any shape to be doing anything like that.

Senketsu: I'm fine, Ryuko. It's just a 200 year old scratch.

Celtic: Wait a second. This is 2277 and Kill la Kill ended in 2014. Didn't Senketsu die in the end?

Ryuko: Not in your headcanon.

Celtic: But still, I mean this kind of fucks with my writing.

Ryuko: How, exactly?

Celtic: Never mind. I'll work it out, but right now you should know that the jumpsuit you picked up back in the Vault is a kamui developed by Vault-Tec a day before the Great Troll, Vaultketsu.

Ryuko: Really, now?

Celtic: Yeah. They made it to sell in any normal clothing store because it made people completely resistant to nuclear explosions and even extremely high levels of radiation, but they could only produce two before the spam fell, so they had to fall back on the Vaults.

Ryuko: Woah.

Celtic: But since Fallout logic applies here, you could probably use Vaultketsu to restore Senketsu entirely.

Ryuko: Well how do I do that?

Celtic: You have to look down at where he is, spam the activate button to pick him up, select him in your PipTroll interface and repair him with parts from Vaultketsu. But in order to do that, your repair skill needs to be at least 75. How high is your repair skill now?

Ryuko: *looking at her PipTroll* FUCK, IT'S NOT HIGH ENOUGH!

Celtic: Then just wait until the next time you level up, invest all your skill points into repair and select a perk that raises your repair skill.

Ryuko: That sounds hard ...

Celtic: It kind of is, but you're not meant to repair him until after a few main quests anyway.

Ryuko: *sigh* Fuck.

Celtic starts fucking around with his PipTroll until he finds a radio signal named "Bonesy's distress signal".

Bonesy (on the radio): To anyone who can hear me, I'm A Rather Hilarious Bone Structure; I come from a settlement to the south. I have information of great value to anyone willing to help me free my skeletons. Please, help us. This message repeats ...

Ryuko: Bonesy is still alive?

Celtic: That or it's a broadcast from maybe a few years after the Great Troll on a loop and he's been dead for almost 200 years, but it probably takes more than 200 years of utter collapse of human civilization to stop A Rather Hilarious Bone Structure.

Ryuko: I guess we're going on a trip to Louisiana, then.

Celtic: Yeah. Even if Bonesy isn't there, I hunger for fried chicken.

Suddenly Senketsu runs up to Celtic and Ryuko holding a plate of fried chicken. They eat it.

Celtic: I still hunger for fried chicken. Onwards to Louisiana!

Ryuko picks up the remains of Senketsu and stuffs him into Vaultketsu.

Ryuko: Let's go, pal.

The three begin their journey.

This is a part of the Trollout series. Previous | Next