A Very Adventurous Christmas: Santa Sarkeesian and her Twelve Flying SJWs

"WAKE UP"

Celtic stood over Bonesy's bed, poking the skeleton with a stick he found somewhere. Bonesy yawned, grabbing the stick and tossing it into a corner

Bonesy: "What are you waking me up for?"

Celtic: "It's Christmas bonelad, now wake up, presents in the living room."

Bonesy looked up at the ceiling, still groggy.

Bonesy: "Christmas, already? Damn, I need a calendar."

Celtic: "More like you need to not be such a dumbass, but whatevs. We'll get you a nice skelegirl calendar."

Bonesy: "How are you even in here? I lock the door when I sleep."

Celtic pulled out a lockpick after scratching his ass.

Celtic: "Lockpick Skill 100% lad. Now get some clothes on."

Bonesy walked over to his closet after Celtic left the room, putting a 2-piece pajama on that looked like a fuzzy suit. He walked out of his room and went to the living room to see everyone in either their PJ's or comfortable clothes circled around the Christmas tree Bonesy bought a couple weeks ago. It was fake, but it looked real enough to fool many. Various items were hung on the tree like ornaments. Burning, Memez and Midna sat on a nearby couch enjoying mugs of various drinks. Kerbin, Celtic and Ryuko were rummaging through their stockings, looking for candy or weed. Jack was sipping on some hot cocoa by the fireplace. Snoop let him come down for Christmas in his original form, but he had to be back the day after for stupid Debbils VS Dankgels shit.

Jack: "Alright, everyone's here. Let's open up presents bitches!"

Burning: "Wait, lemme finish my sherr- Cocoa."

Kerbin: "Stop being a drunk and open shit."

Everyone sat in a circle and pointed out their boxes.

Bonesy: "Ok, this one is from Celtic to Kerbin."

Kerbin looked excitedly at his package, while Celtic looked on barely containing laughter.Kerbin ripped open his box to reveal...

Kerbin: "Fucking wooden shoes!??! YOU DICK!"

Celtic: "WAITWAITWAIT, before you punch me, look inside."

Kerbin looked inside his wooden shoes, still slightly rustled, but expecting something better.

Kerbin: "A coupon?... FOR FUCKING MAYONNAISE FRIES?!?!?!"

Kerbin looked legitimately ready to fight, while Celtic grabbed the other shoe and shoved it in his hand, still laughing furiously.

Celtic: "NOW LOOK."

Kerbin looked at him, still extremely mad. He reached into the shoe, pulling out a $300 Steam gift card. He looked at Celtic with a smile, all former traces of anger gone.

Celtic: "You're welcome buddy."

Celtic and Kerbin went in for a totally-not-awkward bro hug.

Bonesy: "This is from Burning to Memez."

Memez finished sipping on his Coke before opening the brown paper and twine wrapped box. Inside was a small necklace made of shotgun shells, with the main focus being a whittled-wood skull with an odd symbol on it, painted in a deep orange.

Burning: "I got drunk one night and this kinda just appeared. Lot of dead people by it."

Memez put it on, the skull and spent shells blending in with his shamanistic attire.

Memez: "Thank you Burning, I love it."

Memez went in for a hug, but Burning pulled out a small pocketknife

Burning: "Hug me and I'll cut you like a bitch."

Bonesy: "HEY HEY, no bitch-like cutting on that couch, we JUST got it cleaned"

Burning put her pocket knife away as Memez slowly sat back down on the couch.

Bonesy: "This is from everyone to Jack."

Jack look surprised, setting down his saran-wrapped weed brownies in his stocking to unwrap his present. He opened it up, looking into a picture framed with cartoonish weed-leaves of the whole squad, smiling and waving through the glass. Besides the picture, a very expensive gaming headset and a 12-pack of Gamer Fuel Mountain Dew sat in the box.

Celtic: "Everyone thought you could use a pic of us, for when you cant visit."

Jack, still smiling widely, looked at everyone.

Jack: "Aww, you fuckers just HAD to make me feel fuzzy, didn't you?"

Everyone laughed and gave Jack a little hug.

Bonesy: "Oh, THIS is gonna be good. From Ryu to Celtic."

Celtic looked at Ryu with a sly little smile, before opening up the box to find a wallet.

Ryuko: "Remember how you lost yours in that battle with Katarnak R'lyeh?"

Celtic: "Oh YEAH! I also remember that gas giant we had to blow up to get away."

Bonesy: "Ah, what a fun memory. If only we could somehow relive that epic battle..."

Everyone slowly turned to the camera, breaking the fourth wall and telling the reader "Fuck that I'm not writing that TOO, I've got this one and I have to finish 10."

Bonesy: "Alright, the next one is from Memez to Burning."

Burning stood up to receive her gift, wobbling slightly because she was such a massive stinking drunk.

Burning: "HEY, IT'S FUCKING COKE YOU DIP!!"

Bonesy: "(to Celtic) Should we even TRY to ask at this point?"

Celtic: "(To Bonesy) We've basically been living with this for a year, so no."

Burning opened her box to reveal a smaller, wooden chest. Intricately carved, a small warning was painted onto it's front, reading "DO NOT STARE FOR TOO LONG, MAY CAUSE INSANITY". Burning opened the box to reveal a small red glass eye. Suspenseful orchestral music played in the background, nearly reaching it's crescendo before Burning closed the box.

Burning: "What in holy FUCK is that?"

Memez: "IDK, i just found it on a beach somewhere."

Burning: "Cool. I'm gonna pop this shit and see what happens."

Bonesy: "This one is from Me to Midna."

Midna picked up the small box, opening it to reveal a jade hairpin.

Bonesy: "Your hair gets kinda....wild."

REWIND TO A WEEK AGO

Midna walks out of her quarters into the kitchen, a GIGANTIC afro in her head.

Midna:"DOES ANYONE HERE KNOW WHERE TO FIND THE MILK?"

Bonesy walks in

Bonesy: "Yeah it's i.. JESUS H. CHRIST."

BACK AT THE PRESENT (PUN INTENDED)

Midna: "Thank you, although I thought my hair was quite fashionable."

Bonesy: "We'll agree to disagree."

All that was left under the tree were two boxes for Bonesy.

Bonesy: "Ok, time to open my stuffs."

Bonesy did the obvious thing, opening the biggest box first. It was labelled "To Bonesy, from Everyone". Inside was a suit.

Bonesy: "Another suit? I've got like eighty of these things."

Kerbin: "Look at the tag."

The tag read "Westwood" in a legitimate font. it's strange that it wasn't a bootlegged suit.

Bonesy: "DAAAMN. This must've cost, like....a fucking lot!"

Celtic: "Meh, it wasn't that much."

Memez: "Just a couple thousand dollars."

Celtic: "But it doesn't matter because we'd pay a lot more for you, you little cuntlicker."

Bonesy: "Awww, despite that blatant insult I feel all warm and fuzzy inside."

A small cat climbed out of Bonesy's ribcage, going into the kitchen at a reasonable trot and eating some food out from under the fridge.

Midna: "You can make...kittens?"

Bonesy looked inside his shirt.

Bonesy: "No, that's been living there for a while. I may need a shower."

The last box read "To Bonesy from Midna" in a very clean print.Inside was a pair of authentic Aviators, all cool and sunglasses-y and shit.

Bonesy: "AWESOME, I've always wanted to have a pair just to make shitty cop jokes!"

Bonesy put them on, smoothing his suit out. Celtic, being an awesome bro, knew exactly what to do, as did Memez. Memez crouched over an imaginary body, Celtic standing behind him in apparent deep thought. Bonesy stepped under invisible police tape.

Memez: "What's up Inspector Detective Boneman? Stiff's been here for two days, judging by the amount of jargon I'm throwing at you."

Celtic: "He got smashed in the stomach with a large, round object until it cracked the jargon bone."

Bonesy took his shades off.

Bonesy: "So, you're telling me he was killed with a ball?"

Celtic: "Yep. He also had twenty billiontrillion dollars in his wallet."

Bonesy put his hands on his shades

Bonesy: "He must've been a complete...."

* shades

Bonesy: "Baller."

(YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

Spooky walked in, fully dressed despite not needing to be.

Spoooky: "That's fucking horrible."

Bonesy: "Oh hey, we have some presents for you, too."

Two small boxes were tucked under the tree for Spoooky

Bonesy: "One from me and one from Celtic."

Spooky opened Bonesy's box first, revealing a small medal.

Bonesy: "The Srbjan Medal for Highest Piloting Skills. Though after that debacle with the Edge-Lords you deserved it but I couldn't find one until now."

Spoooky: "Awww. What's in this one?"

Spoooky opened the last box to reveal a small button.



DID ANYONE FUCKING ASK YOU BURNING'S NARRATOR NO I DON'T FUCKING THINK THEY DID SO WOULD YOU KINDLY FUCK OFF

''<(sigh) FINE. Have it your boring way>''

Anyway, Spooky picked up the button and pressed it. Remove Kebab played at an acceptable volume for ears, which is a detail you ABSOLUTELY NEED TO KNOW. I'M SERIOUS.

Celtic: "Thought you might like the Srbjan National Anthem playing whenever you want."

Spoooky stared forward, a patriotic pride welling in her face. A single Srbjan tear rolled down her cheek. Her patriotism allowed for a new generation of kebab removers to live, by infusing their souls with...



FUCK OFF



FINE

After gift giving and lovely friendship and all that sappy shit, the squad sat at their table with a Christmas feast. Storebought turkeys, storebought hams, drive-thru bought burgers, some cake that was bought from a store. Other food bought from stores and/or fast food shops



You JUST now realize this?



Jeez, you're sounding like Mustard honestly

[Sounding like who?]

''NOBODY. *Ahem, Continuing...''

After all of that they fell safely and soundly asleep in their beds, awesome gifts beside their beds for the day after.

. .. ... ....

Bonesy awoke, yet again, to Celtic in his face telling him to wake up. Groundhog Day flickered briefly in his mind, before going to the back of his head like everything else.

Bonesy: "Whaaaaaaaaatttt?"

Celtic: "All our shit's gone man, it's fuckin' GONE MAN!"

Bonesy: "Alright, calm the fuck down you silly bitch, how is it all gone?"

Celtic: "If I KNEW WOULD I BE TELLING YOU INSTEAD OF GETTING IT?"

Bonesy got up and noticed that his presents were gone as well.

Bonesy: "Aw what the fuck man."

Celtic paced around nervously. It was either that he'd lost his wallet for the second time or that someone had entered the heavily fortified Rickroll, entered everyone's rooms, and stolen all of their Christmas presents. It was probably that he'd lost his wallet. Ryu walked in, holding a piece of paper as everyone else followed suit.

Bonesy: "Can we..Like...have this after breakfast?"

Memez: "DUDE! SOMEONE BROKE IN HERE AND STOLE OUR SHIT AND THEN LEFT A NOTE, HOW ARE YOU NOT FLIPPING THE FUCK OUT???"

Bonesy rubbed sleep out of his eye sockets

Bonesy: "Because...I'm.. Not an acrobat?"

Midna: "What?"

Bonesy: "I JUST woke up and OH SHIT SOMEONE BROKE IN HOLY FUCK."

Kerbin: "And NOW he sees the issue."

Ryuko: "We found this on the fridge. They took all the Coke and your Dr. Peppers."

Bonesy: "HEY, I FUCKING BOUGHT THOSE SPECIFICALLY FOR MYSELF."

Memez: "And they also took one can out, drank it, and threw it in the trash. HOW DEVIOUS!!!!"

Bonesy: "Yeah, no. I know what you did."

Burning walked in, scratching her ass in the most disgusting way possible and holding some can of something presumably alcoholic.

Burning: "What are you people doing?"

Ryuko: "We got robbed, now if the WRITER would stop dicking around we could see what's on this note here."

Burning: "Hey, I'm the fourth-wall breaking member of this squad you lil shit."

STOP IT IT'S UNFUNNY AND CANCEROUS



Oh, DID SOMEBODY ASK YOU, NOPE DON'T FUCKING THINK THEY DID

Ryuko: "Ok, the letter says, "SOFT DRINKS, CHRISTMAS AND PRESENTS ARE OPPRESSIVE TO EVERYONE YOU CIS GENDERSINGULAR MONO-SEXUAL SCUMLORDS. CHOKE ON YOUR BONE, INTER-DIMENSIONAL, TROLL-DEMON-HUMAN, NEKO, SHAMAN, SCANTILY CLAD OVERPOWERED CLOTHING ARTICLE AND KANGAROO PRIVILEGES.

SINCERELY, 3rd Wave Feminist Anita "Santa" Sarkeesian. ALSO DIE"

Memez: "Wow. I feel about 68% dumber after reading that."

Bonesy: "So this bitch has our presents?"

Kerbin: "No, she just broke in and left this note as a general "Fuck you"."

Memez: "Wait, is the Santa part of her name going to be referenced at all throughout the rest of this special or is it just there for a more fluid title?"

Bonesy: "Yes."

Midna: "The hardest part of this will be locating these people."

Bonesy flipped the card, revealing an address with the words "NOT FOR OPPRESSIVE CISLORDS"

Bonesy: "Wow."

Memez: "That makes stupid look smart."

TO THE LOCATION ON THE NOTE

To be completely honest, it was weird to look at and quite possibly impossible to understand. All that could really be understood was that it was quite possibly the most unoffensive building in existence. A sign reading in an ever-changing yet never-moving. It was weird. Maybe Celtic spiked the food with meth for the twentieth time.

Memez: "Uhh...What the fuck is this."

The squad stepped out of the Rickroll, on to grass that was every color yet no color and every shape yet no shape and holy fuck what the hell is this shit.

Midna: "It's...I can not understand what it is."

Bonesy: "Can we just get our shit back and leave? I feel my privileges being checked."

The squad walked up to the door of the building, knocking on it four times. The entire building exploded in rage, unwashed body stench and pure social justice. The person that had red dyed hair and a nose that put a jew to shame.

Anita: "DON'T YOU KNOW FOUR IS AN OFFENSIVE NUMBER IN SOME PLACES????"

Anita flew up under the cloud barrier as twelve other people floated around her in an inoffensive way.

Anita: "CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE AT MY INOFFENSIVE DOOR."

Kerbin: "And I thought Maulle was a crazy bitch."

The squad readied their weapons and fired, but they had no effect. Shockingly.

SJW #4: "WE IDENTIFY AS IMMORTAL ALL-POWERFUL GODDESSES SO OBVIOUSLY THAT'S WHAT WE ARE."

The other SJW's and Anita shook their heads in all directions in agreement so that they weren't being ableist to people who couldn't move their neck a certain way. The main group was comprised of cellulite-ridden landwhales with hair so bright and colorful that church windows everywhere were put to miserable shame. The others were skinny butch lesbians with tattoos that read off things like "Die Cis Scum" or "Men Are Pigs, Make Bacon".

SJW #1: "Shouldn't we all get a line so we aren't ableist to people who don't get lines?"

'SJW #2: "That sounds like a great idea, agreed."

SJW #3: "Isn't "great" ableist to kids who weren't told they did a great job as a kid?"

SJW #4: "Yes, we must take them into account."

SJW #5: "Isn't "take" ableist to pedophiles who can't take children normally?"

SJW #6: "Wait, where'd those non gender-specific humanoid entities go?"

The squad was still standing there, but they seemed to have gone blind.

SJW #7: "OH YEAH, BEING ABLE TO SEE IS ABLEIST TO BLIND PEOPLE!!!"

SJW #8: "Isn't being able to be seen ableist to the Invisible People?"

The SJW's then stopped being seen, only heard.

SJW #9: "Isn't existing ableist to fantasy characters?"

SJW #10, #11 and #12 in unison: "Yes it is!"

And so they stopped existing.

Bonesy: "What the holy fuck just happened."

Memez: "They tried so hard to not be offensive that they just stopped doing anything. Even existence was insulting to them."

Kerbin: "That's fucking stupid. Offense is needed to create debate and debate creates solutions to problems and..."

Bonesy: "WOAH WOAH WOAH."

Celtic: "What?"

Bonesy: "We're getting too meta, tone it down a bit."

The squad walked into the So-Inoffensive-It's-Incomprehensible home and took their shit back. They loaded into the Rickroll and went back to the small planet they decided to orbit when not in an adventure. They returned home, back into the living room. They picked up some leftovers from the fridge and sat down in front of the fireplace again,

Bonesy: "Ok, merry second Christmas everyone!"

Everyone made a little nod and sipped whatever they had. And that's the meaning of Christmas, everyone.



{Yeah, i'm kinda lost about that too}

''You people pay NO attention. I'll re-read it to you then.''

{Oh god it's the fourth time already stop}



''Fine. guess you'll just never know the meaning of Christmas then.''



{Sounds better}