The Adventures Of Kerbin, Celtic and Bonesy 10:New World Edge Prt.1

The squad woke up in a dark cell with two other people, presumably prisoners that had been there before them.They grumbled and moaned collectively, as every head had an ache and everyone's ass had been kicked.

Burning: "(ow) Maybe it was kind of stupid to fight a queen in the middle of her kingdom?"

Bonesy: "Well, it was either (ow) go quietly or kick some ass on the way down."

Memez: "At least sixteen people held us back while we got our asses (ow) handed to us. We didn't kick any ass on the way down."

Bonesy: "Well, we would've been beaten any way. I just (ow) kinda wished those boots weren't steel toed."

Midna: "(owowow) Who are those men?"

Two figures sat in a far corner.One was almost instantly identifiable as greek, a crusty trucker's cap firmly planted on his head, but the other was a normal enough looking chap in a parka.

Celtic: "Oh, hey SG."

SG: "Die."

Kerbin: "Aaand I see nothings changed.Hi D Wulf."

Wulf: "Hey."

Memez: "So what do we do now?"

SG: "Die."

Bonesy: "We could do what SG says, or we can try to get out."

Wulf: "I found half of a Snickers."

Celtic: "That's nice Wulf.What the hell happened here?"

Ryuko: "How long were we gone? Couldn't have been more than about ten hours."

SG: "How about you die."

Wulf: "Actually guys, you've been gone for a while longer than that."

Kerbin: "How long?"

D Wulf began counting off numbers on his hands, but was distracted by the half of a Snickers he found. Spoooky snapped her fingers.

Spoooky: "Stop being autistic and tell us how long."

SG: "Die."

Wulf: "Okay then...carry the one...and add two afterwards...oh this is not good for you guys."

Bonesy: "What?!"

Wulf: "You've all been gone for four years."

Burning: "You're fucking kidding."

Wulf: "Dead serious, I'm afraid."

Bonesy: "Dammit, I left the TV on. Our bill is sky high by now."

Celtic: "Kinda takes a back seat to the fact that the UNIVERSE HAS BEEN TAKEN OVER BY AN EDGY BITCHELOID."

Footsteps were heard far off in the distance, headed towards the squad's cell.

Bonesy: "Aw shit."

Midna: "Let us hope that is not the executioner."

Wulf: "Sadly, he does come around this hour. Might as well enjoy this Snickers while I have it."

The squad looked around for a weapon, but the footsteps were getting closer and closer.They had no way out and no way to fight.

They were all FUCKED.

AT MAULLE'S THRONE

Maulle sat on the throne once belonging to Marcus Mabel, listening to My Chemical Romance on her TrollPod. She added a couple razors to the armrests, because cutting made her feel far better. She looked down on the two little worms beneath her, grovelling for attention. She sighed, bored of life in general.

Maulle: "Nitro, what the fuck do you want you piece of shit?"

Nitro: "Yes Ms.Faggot, can i kill Bonesy? Pleeeeeeeaaaaaassssseeeee???"

Marcus: "No you slimy dick, kill yourself. He's MINE."

Nitro: "What're you gonna do about it faggot?"

Marcus: "(Memetically spams Nitro's mind with gore pics and crime scene photos)"

Maulle: "Will you all SHUT THE FUCK UP."

Marcus and Nitro settled back into their kneeling positions, Marcus still grumbling curses and threats.

Maulle: "Neither of you get to kill him or ANY of his friends. That job is for the Executioner. We'll make it public that you can't win against Maulle Breezy. Get me a bowl."

Nitro: "Why?"

Maulle: "I feel like drinking blood right now and I need a bowl to fill with said blood, dumbass."

Nitro sprinted off, leaving a blurry trail behind him.Marcus kneeled, before walking off.

Maulle: "Wait."

Marcus: "Yes, my Queen?"

Maulle: "Make sure the Executioner gets there. I want nothing to go wrong today. If I could feel emotions I would be giddy as a schoolgirl."

Marcus walked off, returning with a scared expression covering his face.

Marcus: "Uuumm...m-my Queen?"

Maulle: "What..?"

Marcus: "T-the prisoners...e-esc-caped."

Maulle calmy rose up from her throne and walked to Marcus. She spoke softly to him, leaning towards his ear as he shivered in immeasurable fear.

Maulle: "What did you just say?"

Marcus: "Th-th-they escaped, m-my Queen."

Maulle slowly sat down on her throne again. She reached for a whip covered in razors. I'll leave the next segment to the imagination.

BACK AT THE CELL

The squad was ready to burst out of the cell, punching and kicking to escape.But the footsteps weren't that of an Executioner, but that of a far more welcome rodent.

Celtic: "President Gerballs!"

Gerballs: "Not President anymore. Along with Maulle's new caste system i've been forced to become a Noble.I kinda like that title more to be honest."

Behind Gerballs a tall, timid figure stood up.Various blades and edges had been filed down to simple spikes, but the blades on his hands remained as sharp as ever.He swished his tail aroud excitedly, like a puppy seeing his master for the first time in a day, before taking an accidental chunk out of a wall.

Celtic: "Dark! Haven't seen you in a while buddy!"

Dark: "Yeah, sorry about all of this. Maulle was a tad too powerful for me.Left me a parting gift."

Dark turned to reveal a 2-inch deep scar on his back, revealing new blades growing from the wound.

Memez: "Ew, gross."

Gerballs: "Not a good time for show and tell Dark, kinda have a schedule."

Dark: "Oh, right.

Dark grabbed the bars of the cell and pulled as hard as he could, opening a hole large enough to allow himself and Gerballs entry. The squad began to file out of the cell, before Gerballs stopped them.

Gerballs: "What are you doing?!"

Bonesy: "Umm, leaving?"

Gerballs: "No, NO, the exit is IN the cell!"

Spoooky: "That's stupid."

Burning: "It's actually smart in a way."

SG: "Die."

Gerballs walked in with a small key shaped like a straight razor. He felt along a wall as Dark pushed the cell's bars back into place. Gerballs hovered over a spot, before inserting the key and twisting it. A large section of the wall began to open up, leading into a barely lit tunnel.

Celtic: "Aww sweet! Just like Oblivion. Wait..."

The squad walked into the tunnel, leading to a darker part of said tunnel. Twists and turns were apparently all the tunnel was made of, and it continued for hours.

Gerballs: "So, I'm assuming that you need some backstory here?"

Midna: "That would be a great help."

Gerballs: "Well, after you guys left, Maulle appeared. Crazy bitch went on a full blown murder spree. She killed off LOLSKELETONS, Uxie, Mai, every admin but SG. Everyone likes SG so she thought she'd make an example out of him.."

SG:"Just        fucking        die."

Gerballs: "Mentally scarred the poor sod. Hasn't been able to do anything but tell others to die for months now. Anyway, after she killed off the Admins, she took out about half of the more powerful users. A couple fled into Excessive Profanity (Excani). That place is an unforgiving desert. Hope they made it there okay but honestly I'm sure they're dead. The other users Maulle found got the worst of it. She talked to them until they..."

Gerballs made a gun out of his finger and his thumb and mimicked shooting himself in the head.

Bonesy: "So, basically you're saying we're stuck behind enemy lines with no friends in a world where friends may not even exist?"

Gerballs: "Pretty much."

Memez: "Fuckin' swell."

The tunnel opened up into a large antechamber, bare walls adorned with spiderwebs and rats.The antechamber a small hall leading to a room in it.

Gerballs: "Something tells me we should go in there."

Celtic: "I don't think we should."

Bonesy: "Why not?"

Celtic: "Remember Oblivion? This shit's a straight ripoff of that."

Bonesy: "Well, sorry. I'm running out of ideas and i need a segway into the shit i already planned.

4 men with poisoned daggers drawn stood by the door.

Man #1: "Look, this event can't happen until you trigger it, so come on and trigger like a Tumblr feminist."

Gerballs: "I want to, but I don't think it would be good for my health."

Man #2: "Aww, c'mon you pussy. Accept your death like a man."

Garballs: "Nah."

Man #3: "Please? I have a wife and kids to get back to after this assassination."

Ryuko: "Is it even really an assassination if you tell us we're gonna get assassinated?"

Man #4: "Will you people just sack up and get killed already? You kinda have to go through us to get out of here."

Kerbin: "No we don't, there's a door right there."

Kerbin pointed to a door painted bright colors, with a flashing neon strobe light and a bright red EXIT sign.

Man #2: "No there isn't."

Midna: "Yes there is."

Man #1: "That's a wall."

Kerbin walked over to the door,opening and closing it a couple times to prove his point.

Man #3: "That proves nothing."

Bonesy: "The fuck are you talking about? He JUST opened it."

Man #1: "Alright, so he can prove it's a door, but can he DISPROVE that it's a wall?"

Memez: "Yeah, quite easily."

Man #4: "How so?"

Memez: "By proving that it's a door, fuckwad."

Man #1: "..."

Man #3: "..."

Man #2: "..."

Man #4: "..."

Man #1: "Look, literally the point of our whole existence is to kill this guy."

Wulf: "Oh dear, something's happening."

As soon as Wulf said that, Seto Motherfuckin' Kaiba crashed through five dimensions to end up in the assassin's room, sucking all the assassins into a 79th dimensional rape hole for eternity. He stroked his Duel Disk, entered a golden bubble, clicked his red high heels thrice and went back home.

Bonesy: "Anyone else have any idea of what the legitimate fuck just happened???"

Memez: "Nope."

Celtic: "No."

Kerbin: "I don't think we SHOULD know."

Wulf: "I know exactly what happened."

SG: "He died, like you all should."

Wulf: "He crashed through five dimensions to end up in the assassin's room, sucking all of them into a 79th dimensional rape hole for eternity. He stroked his Duel Disk, entered a golden bubble, clicked his red high heels thrice and went back home."

Everyone looked on blankly at Wulf, still munching on the remains of his Snicker half. Gerball's corpse floated through the air slowly, jerking violently back and forth and heading slightly north-eastwards.

Bonesy: "So after all that shit he's dead anyway. Whatever, this shit was stupid."

Bonesy pulled up the console and /revive object "1738420360" "Gerballs" 'd the corpse. Gerballs sprang awkwardly back to life, clipping into a wall for a few seconds.

Dark: "So that whole section was pointless?"

Bonesy: "Yep."

Dark: "Then why does it exist?"

Bonesy: "Filler. Or because I want to be 2meta4u. Back to actual storytelling now."

Burning: "Umm, dude? What the actual fuck is that."

A wall was turning pure black and textureless before flicking back to the textured wall. Repeating the action into an epileptic's hell.

Bonesy: "Aw, fuck. Uhhh, one second."

Bonesy pulled the console back up, removing the wall from this plane of existence.

Memez: "WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT."

Bonesy: "I DONT KNOW I WAS JUST TRYING SOMETHING HOLY FUCK."

Red blinking error messages began piling up around the squad.

Kerbin: "HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING JESUS FUCK."

Celtic: "JUST FUCKING REBOOT."

SG: "JUST FUCKING DIE."

ERROR=ERROR=ERROR=ERROR=ERROR=ERROR=E-E-E-E

Oh, shit.

Umm, okay, one second. I think i can get this back up.

...clear the cache...

No...okay...ummm.



I'M TRYING, CALM YOUR FUCKING TITS. SHIT



>Okay...check integrity OF the cache...

Umm....uninstall then re-install the mods...?



LISTEN FUCKWAD, I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO SKILL AT CODING SO FUCK OFF



Fine

(ringring)

(ringring)

{Mustard here, kinda busy, whaddaya want?}

Hey Mustard, it's Bonesy's narrator and Burning's narrator, we kinda..



SHATHEFUCKUP, we kinda destroyed their dimension and we need help.

{(sigh), send me the log from the console}

Thanks

{Alright, seems that it was running a nil value so many times that the game crashed. Did you remove anything?}

Umm, Bonesy removed a wall.

{Right wall of taokcb_antechamber?}

Yeah.

{Okay, fixed it. Reboot and you should be fine}



I need to pay you back for this

{Just never call me again.}

{Like, ever.}

Continuing...

The squad walked out of the error room, closing the door as it disappeared and instead turned to rather insulting graffiti art.

Bonesy: "OW!"

Memez: "What?"

Bonesy: "I feel a great pain. Like a fully unnecessary and extremely long and pointless cameo just took place."

Celtic: "It's probably nothing."

The error's horrid beeping noises fading, they found themselves in a rather dark alley. A lone furry walked up to them.

Furry: "Hey kids, wanna yiff?"

Burning: "(resisting urge to break into song)"

Dark picked said furry up by his face and gently put him down behind the squad. By gently, I mean the furry was halfway buried into the pavement.

Furry: "Clever joke about furries and the ground."

(Laugh track)

SG: "Die."

Bonesy: "So where do we go now?"

Memez: "Well, let's look at the facts. We're stuck behind enemy lines, with none of our weapons, no disguises, and pretty much everyone will be looking for us for the reward I'm sure Maulle would give them. The first thing we should do is.."

Burning: "I'm super fucking hungry. Dennys?"

Memez: "No, did you even listen? That would put us right in plain sig..."

Bonesy: "Denny's sounds good."

Memez: "Are you fuckers serious?"

Bonesy: "What? We'll get you some ice cream, come on."

AT THE NEAREST DENNY'S (5 miles away to be specific)

Fried was pissed, but then again that was how she felt most days at this job.

It had good pay, some OK benefits and the customers weren't usually that bad. The bad part came with her co-workers.

Thuggle, an obsessive brony, would talk nonstop about ponies. Ponies, ponies, ponies, the day's worksheets, ponies. It was enough to drive a wafflewoman mad. Her boss, now that was a different story.

Guy was 7"4, jewish, and never spoke. People before her called him "Der Golem" and he was honestly the scariest motherfucker in this sector. Normally, Fried wouldn't have a problem with that, but being a filthy Jew he took almost half her paycheck. Not that she was going to say anything about it, but it was still annoying as hell. When a damn-near parade of people came in, she looked around for Thuggle. He was in the bathroom, probably fapping to ponies. Perfect time to get a great tip, maybe feed the wafflechildren and pay the wafflebills.

Bonesy: "Okay, what does everyone want?"

Dark: "I wan..."

Bonesy: "Trick question, you're all getting burgers, fries and a Coke."

Wulf: "That was mean."

SG: "Die."

Spoooky: "But i'm trying to watch my weight."

Bonesy: "Fine, a DIET Coke for Spoooky."

Fried walked over, trying to look cheerful despite hating every part of the staff. Yeah, there was people she didn't even mention.

Fried: "Hi, I'm Fried T. Waffles and i'll be your server today, what can i get you?"

Bonesy: "Ten large burgers, ten large fries, 9 large Cokes and one large Diet Coke."

Memez: "*ahem."

Bonesy: "And an ice-cream sundae."

Fried's eyes lit up at this order. Holy shit, she was gonna have enough to actually pay her bills for once.

Fried: "I'll be right back with your food."

Fried walked away, and Bonesy started talking.

Bonesy: "Alright Dark, we need to know two things before we leave the planet. Where's the Rickroll and where are our weapons?"

Dark: "I've got your ship, it's parked about ten miles from here..."

Memez: "oh god not more walking."

Dark: "As for your weapons, they are all conveniently located in a museum about a half a mile from where the Rickroll is."

Bonesy: "How convenient."

Burning: "Am I gonna get a line any time soon?"

Bonesy: "You just did, now stop breaking the fourth wall. It's starting to get unfunny."

SG: "I know how to make it funny                           just                           fucking                             die."

Wulf: "You're very rude Mr.SOMEGUY."

Fried came in, wheeling a service cart full of their food to their table.

Fried: "Here's your food, the check is on the table."

(Long drawn out eating sequence)

Bonesy: "That was good."

Burning: "I still don't get how skeletons can eat."

Bonesy: "That's bonesogynistic and I am offended."

Memez: "So what's the bill?"

Bonesy looked at it, then looked back at it. His face looked horrified

Bonesy: "ONE MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS!?"

Burning: "Inflation man, inflation."

Bonesy calmly set the bill down, walked outside and yelled at a nearby Edge Patrol Officer.

Bonesy: "HEY, I'M BONESY RATHER AND I'M FREE AND YOUR WAIFU IS SHIT."

Officer: "oh no u di'int just talk shit 'bout my waifu."

The officer aimed a heavy machine gun at the building. Bonesy ran inside quickly.

Bonesy: "DUCK!"

The officer fired for at least a minute before the squad realized he had the infinite ammo cheat on.

Bonesy: "GO OUT THROUGH THE BACK DOOR!"

Burning: "BUT WE'RE ALREADY ON THE GROUND FLOOR!

Memez: "WHAT ABOUT A BROWN CORE?!"

Kerbin: "HILARIOUS MISINTERPERATATION ANTICS ASIDE PEOPLE!"

SG: "DIE."

Wulf: "We can be calm in situations like this you know."

The squad began to crawl towards the back door, going through it and closing it. Dark dented it in a way that would stop it from being pushed from the inside.

Bonesy: "Which way to the Rickroll?"

Dark pointed down the alley

Dark: "10 miles that way."

BACK IN THE DENNY'S

After the gunfire ceased, Fried looked up at the ruined building. She almost felt bad that the building was ruined, but then she saw it. All of her co-workers, the Tumblr SJW, that one guy that stares at you awkwardly all the time, even the janitor who sings annoying songs that can get stuck in your head really easily. All dead. It was like fucking Christmas. She looked in the office, the rubble of the building covering two bodies. She moved the rubble of of the face of one guy. It was her boss, Der Golem. The money-stealing fuckwad was dead. She took the key to the worksafe off of his body as the pile next to her moved. It was Thuggle. HE was still alive. Fried took off her apron.

Thuggle: "Oh god, what happened? Are my ponies oka...MPHFF!!"

Fried stood over him, suffocating him with her apron.

Fried: "Shhhh, no tears now. Only dreams."

Then Fried became a JTK ripoff and lived happily ever after.

NEAR THE IMPOUND LOT, BEING THE LOCATION OF THE RICKROLL

The squad was at the perimeter fence of the impound lot, where strangely the Rickroll was still at even after 4 years. A large AT-ST and hundreds of Stormtroopers circled the lot. Why, you may ask? Because reasons. The squad was on top of a grey hill, made of artificial stones

Memez: "Okay, i've got to ask this."

Bonesy: "What?"

Memez: "Why are all these random motherfuckers here?"

Wulf: "Star Wars Wikia. After you guys left, many factions paid a LOT of money to Maulle for access there. They're quite good guards when they hit something."

Celtic: "We should probably take this place by stealth."

The squad nodded their heads, walking calmly through the gate into the Rickroll and taking off through a hail of laser fire.

'Midna: "How did we survive that?"

Kerbin: "Stormtroopers can't hit shit. Pointless Star Wars references and horrible writing FTW."

Dark: "What happened to the whole "Stealth" thing?"

A group of Tie Fighters flew after them, inexplicibally exploding.Oh, and to be fair i was talking about my own writing, not the writing of Star Wars, although it has some shitty moments. Like how Obi-Wan NEVER tells Luke that-



Oh yeah, right.The squad landed on a far away meteorite in orbit around a dying page, which had devolved into flamewars so hot it had become a star.They sat down in the conference room to discuss what to do next.

Midna: "We're useless to anyone without our weapons. Dark, you spoke of a museum which holds them?"

Dark: "Yeah, but it's guarded like Fort Knoxx. Harder, actually."

Bonesy: "Well, we've got to try. Besides, Celtic, Jack and I broke into Fort Knoxx accidentally one time."

Memez: "What?"

Celtic: "That's why we told Jack to stop smoking in the kitchen."

Kerbin: "But won't we be shot out of the air? If it's as heavily guarded as Dark says."

Burning: "I'm still here. And yeah, it'd be suicide to go there without some firepower."

Bonesy: "Did everyone forget that we have motherfuckin' Bass Cannons mounted on this thing?"

Ryuko: "When the hell did we get those."

Bonesy: "You're all telling me you've all forgotten about the time we blew up a living planet? Jesus, I thought you would've remembered it by Midna's existence here."

Ryuko: "Will they even be enough?"

Dark: "Maybe they'll break a wall or two, but I don't know about the Throwers."

Burning: "The what?"

Wulf: "They're very scary tall crea..."

Dark: "Maulle made them out of corpses of strong black guys and dead babies. They throw giant blades at things, they're like 8 feet tall. The blades and the guys."

Wulf: "Ok i'll just go to the living room."

Bonesy: "The Rickroll is WAAAYYYY bigger than that, so I think we'll be OK against those guys."

Dark: "But they're just below the Dimension Edge in sharpness, so they'll rip through this like tin."

Midna: "Perhaps attack them from afar?"

Bonesy: "See? Midna knows."

Celtic: "So, Dark, mind to share the co-ords of that museum?"

Dark: "Okay, but just to be completely sure with everyone and exempt from your bitchings in the afterlife I said this was a BAD, I repeat, BAAAADDDD idea."

Ryuko: "Ok, now go coordinate monkey"

Dark: "I'm not sure how I feel about that name."

Dark reluctantly entered to co-ordinates to the museum into the computer. The ship lurched off of the asteroid and sailed towards a distant planet, that was still close to Surread. They left Wulf inside, not to his protest, and landed on a lot near the Museum Of Unnatural Edginess. Nicholas Cage walked out of it holding The Declaration Of Edgependance, The Edge Address, And the Edgemancipation Proclamation. He was pissing fire, bugging his eyes to inhuman lengths, and raking in cash for horrid movies. He hopped onto his motorcycle and drove off. Other than Nick's odd entry and exit, the place was barren. No guards, no tourists, no staff.

Memez: "Weird, this doesn't look natural for a place like this."

A distant "CRAWLING IN MY SKIIIIIIINNNNN" was heard, playing on a deserted street. It echoed for a while, before echoing off into the distance alongside Nick's "NOT THE BEEESS!!!!". The squad cautiously walked into the open doors of the museum. Their weapons were lined along the walls on racks, no security or cameras. Admiral Ackbar considered appearing, but decided against it.

Memez: "This doesn't feel right. I have a VERY bad feeling."

Bonesy: "Same, it's way too quiet."

Dark: "This place should be SWARMING. Where is everyone?"

Everyone took their weapons and walked towards the door. But someone blocked them. Maulle. She dressed simply, jeans, hoodie, sneakers. She still held her razor that was as long as her, but it was used more as a walking stick or cane in her current stance.The squad aimed all weapons towards her.

Maulle: "Don't worry, I'm not here to kill you. Yet. I'm here because even I need to honor customs."

Bonesy: "What?"

Maulle: "I have imprisoned and attempted murder upon you, and you fairly escaped, blah blah blah, you basically get a free shot so come on."

Memez: "This isn't good..."

Bonesy: "Memez, she's letting us shoot her. Have you EVER seen something stand up against this thing (pats Bass Cannon)?"

Memez: "Still..."

Spoooky:"I don't care, i'm going first."

Spoooky raised her Makarov, firing twelve times into Maulle. Each shot went into her, making her bleed where the bullets hit.But the bullets ejected from her body, her wounds healing up near instantly.Dark threw a raging punch at her, but he didn't even break skin.Memez unleashed Hell on her with the Staff, and THAT did nothing. Midna and Burning let loose multiple blasts of energy from their respective weapons, both doing nothing. Celtic slashed at her with Ryuko, but the wounds healed just as fast as they were made. Then came Bonesy's turn. He turned the Bass Cannon to it's highest setting, charged it up, and fired. The beam made impact and staggered Maulle, but she pushed against it and began obsorbing the energy. Bonesy shut it off.

Maulle shivered, as her hands began to glow a deep red.

Maulle: " M̶̵̗̦̠̫̥̟̱̬͓̤̖̤͍͕͚̾̐͛̀̊ͩ͛̕͠y̛̬̺̦̖͓̮̤͉ͩ̃͒̓̈̈́̚͘͞ ̺̰̬̼̼̬͖̤̙̹̺̩̪̲͕͈̪̫̌͆͐ͤ̉̓́͝ͅT͌͌ͭ̄ͥͧ҉̸̬̫̮̘̳͇͍͈̻̲̲̝̺̬͍ȕ̶͈̘̪̻̝͈̳ͭͭ̓͋͛̈́̑ͨ͌͆̚͝R̸̵͇̩̦̬ͩͤͦ͒̄͐͆ͨ͢͝ṉ̸̷͉̣͓͖͈͔̯̮̠͕̰ͯ̂ͮ̾̕͠͡.̷̩̺̠͉͕̳̂͑͆͋̂͜͡͠͝ͅ "

The squad had a brief moment of clarity, hiding behind the museums walls as Maulle unleashed a burning red storm of razors. The squad tried to return fire but all that did was make the hail of razors longer and brighter red as they glowed with pent up power.

Maulle: " W̧̯̖̘͙̞͍̯̭̃́ͮ̚ͅȟ͓͕̣̻̳̫͔̖̅́A̔ͧ̆҉̥͓̣͎͎̝͞ţ̜͚̤̩̬̰̭͙̏̈́͋̓̈̾̓͜S̢̬̳̰͓͔̳̣̹͛̒ͦͯ͆͡ ̛̗͎͈͖̲̳̱̹̅̄͒͆̔̄̋̈́͠Tͧ̉̈ͥ͐̏͑͏̡̱̜͍̙̯͙̻ͅḣ̷͈̬̳̥̱̥̆͋̓̀̓͝E̟̞ͫ̾͑̎͒ͦ ̯̭̹̯̝͒͛̑̿̉́ͅM̧̨͉̟ͪ̕a̡̖̤̞͙ͯͧ͌̂̕T̖̺͔̤̰̪̱̄͐͡͝t̨̫̫͈̟͙ͯ̍́Ȅ̫̳̜͕̘̹̭̗͓̿̒͗̾̂͊̿͠r̸̵̦̝̩̬͓̜̠͆͋͌͑?̭̠̺̿̂̌̎ͨ͗̊͗ͅ?̗ͧͧ̓̅ͥ̆́͞ ̾͆ͦ̌ͤ͊͆̈́͝͏̶̣̣͇̦̘Ş̶̣͔̣͓̤̯̪̹̙ͤ̀̉ͤ̊͛c͛͐̓ͮ̉͌̄҉̸̨̣͍̗̩̝͓A̵͛ͣ̂͐͏̝̞͉̦͎̝͙̰ͅr̶͍̘̝͕̭͋̅ͨͬ́͐ͤ͆E̠̲͕͐ͭͩ̈́͘͡͞D̺̖̹̟͎̩͊ͩ̏͊͞ͅ?̷͓͓̫̻̰̤ͮ̈́̾ͩ̿͋̚͢ "

Celtic: "ACTUALLY I THINK IT'S PRETTY JUSTIFIABLE AT THIS POINT."

Bonesy: "WE WON'T LAST LONG IN HERE. WE GOTTA RUN FOR IT."

Maulle focused her efforts on the exact point on the wall that the squad was behind. It began to melt. Bonesy noticed a large bust of Edgimedes (Maulle REALLY likes corrupting historical figures with the word "edge" huh?) He fired at it, knocking it over the entrance and allowing very brief solace from Maulle's storm of burning razors. Inside Edgimedes's busted bust were various scripts of paper detailing his inventions, something that Treasure Hunter Nick Cage probably missed. A bathtub with lemon juice, screws that somehow looked sharper on the page than in real life and a claw like object. But the squad didn't see that and i have no reason to tell you this and it's pretty pointless so there you silly cunt.

Memez: "FUCK SCHOOL!11!!!!!11!!!1111!!!!"

Burning: "WHAT??"

Memez: "NOTHING."

Ryuko: "CAN WE STOP WITH THE RANDOMNESS PLEASE??"

The squad rushed out of the museum towards the Rickroll as all that important historical detail melted with Maulle's furious assault. The squad jumped into the Rickroll, making it to their seats as Maulle walked towards them. She stopped the endless fiery blade assault and began bulding up for something big.

Bonesy: "Celtic, Memez, Spoooky, get us out of here NOW!"

Spoooky: "You don't need to tell us man, it's pretty fucking obvious."

Wulf: "My god what happened."

Celtic: "Bad shit Wulf. Engines are fired up, moving out."

SG: "DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE-"

The ship lurched forward and nearly got out of the atmosphere before Maulle unleashed a massive attack with a resounding yell of "TEAR MY HEAART OPEEN, JUST TO FEEEEELLL." A large flaming-white bleeding heart launched itself at the Rickroll, jolting it forward. Memez, who had his hands on the Sanic Speed lever, pushed it before everyone was in a safe position, knocking everyone out as the ship launched into Sammyspace.

. ..      + +  /\ ...             (<>) ..    -  + + \/ . (Thought i was gonna make a 1 2 3 pattern didja NOPE FUCKING ALIENS VS STARSHIPS)

The squad awoke, beaten and feeling like general shit. But they weren't at the ship. They were in beds and cots that were made up with white linens. The thought of being in Heaven briefly crossed their minds but they'd seen Heaven and it was way more dank than this. The bulding they were in was bare, but outside was a view of splendorous mountains, trees and waterfalls. Gandalf walked in.

Gandalf: "Brave Bilbo...Wait where the fuck am I."

Bonesy: "Could you tell US tha...OW FUCKING SHIT FUCK OW!"

Gandalf began furiously poking Bonesy with his staff (I fucking dare you to take that out of context)

Gandalf: "BACK CREATURE FROM THE DARKEST PITS OF MORIA, BACK TO HELL WITH YOU!"

Bonesy: "Ok, first OW you're being a rea-OW-l dick right FUCKING STOP IT YOU OLD FUCKLORD."

Gandalf: "BACK TO THE HELLPITS WHERE SAURON MADE YOU DEMON, BEGONE!"

???: "GANDALF, you're in the wrong universe you old fuckwit."

Gandalf warily lowered his staff at the sound of the man's voice. The figure dressed in a deep hood threw a ball of light, and in a flash Gandalf disappeared. Bonesy set down the chair he was going to use to guard himself from Gandalf. The hooded figure pulled the hood down, revealing an elderly skeleton underneath, with glassy green eyes.

Bonesy: "Who are you and where are we?"

???: "Well sonny, the name's Bolmeteus. Bolmeteus Rather. And you're in Paradise's Reign."

BACK AT SURREAD

Maulle was sitting on her throne, exhausted from the effort of attacking the squad as Nitro brought a report with him.

Nitro: "...and afterwards they somehow hit a wormhole, sending them to a place we've never seen before, but it seems to have some of the fugitives we've been searching for. We'll be able to trace it to a planet known as Paradise's Reign, but it'll take us a long time to open a stable wormhole."

Maulle: "See to it that it's done before this month, or I'll gut you and your family for pleasure."

Nitro: "Yes my Queen. By months end we attack the heart of the final resistance."

Maulle: "And when we do, bring the Chemical Mycheroma."

Nitro: "But it's far too dangerous, you'll die if you take too mu.."

Maulle: "DID I ASK FOR A MEDICAL WARNING??"

Nitro: "N-no my Queen."

Maulle:" Learn your place. You can also bring Mabel out of his cell now. His time with Bubba should have taught him his lesson by now."

Maulle sat and watched Nitro blur off into an obscure part of her castle. Soon, she would enter her flagship and take down the last people to go against her.

And boy would she enjoy it.

TO BE CONTINUED, IN PART TWO BECAUSE THIS WOULD TAKE TOO LONG OTHERWISE